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poem for my father

May 30, 2021
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A post shared by OUTSIDER [Sophie McKeand] (@sophiemckeand_outsider)

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Figuring out the language of my body is a lifetime Figuring out the language of my body is a lifetime’s work. Does anybody else feel they’re balancing so many elements - like keeping a very long line of plates spinning? And I drop them, sometimes a lot of them, even if less often these days. I write often about self-directed learning because this is the pathway into understanding that resonates most strongly, especially so with my body. Maybe this is a ridiculous approach because there’s so much to learn from others. The problem I have is that when I follow the lead of others it takes my away from the worth of my Self & so I don’t always understand why something has worked, or not, and if that’s the case, if I don’t fully know in my bones why a method of healing has a positive (or negative) effect, then I honestly can’t feel that it fully works for me. Kung Fu and Yoga are good examples of this. Kung Fu opened doors in my mind that I wasn’t ready to work with, and with Yoga I felt like a child attempting to read and understand the Mahābhārata as it wrote itself across my body. Even the most basic elements were too much. I felt overloaded, overwhelmed. So this year I returned only to the most simplest workings with me body - to swimming, mountain bikes, surf and hikes; to reacquainting myself with posture and growing a deep connection with the breath; to developing an awareness of the natural surroundings as body & mind navigate these sacred places; to learning what I need for nourishment - both physical and spiritual; and to putting firm emotional boundaries in place while also finding the courage to speak my needs clearly. A few years ago I attended a plant spirit event and discovered that healing was a path for me, which was a great surprise and I nearly laughed out loud. At no point have I ever thought of healing as my calling, but as time flows I’ve come to realise there’s many forms of healing, many ways to change and grow, and that understanding & healing the Self is a great act of love accomplished in service to the Earth. Photo taken last year in Switzerland after 8 months completely vegan-straight-edge + Portuguese sunrise surfs. The best I’d felt physically and spiritually in a long time.
I’m so proud of this hound. Otherwise know as: B I’m so proud of this hound. Otherwise know as: Bonnie, Bonnie-boo, Bonneroo, Bonners, Bonnington-bean, princess-Bonbon-of-the-waves, Madame Bonnington, beanie-boo, string-bean, baby-boo and also Bon-Bon, but sometimes Bonnieeeeee! She’s doing so well with her positive reinforcement training. It’s changing her every day. And although we’re not the most diligent with learning all the new tricks, we’ve got so good with this when Bonnie sees a new hound. Our biggest problem these days tends to be other dog owners whose dogs aren’t on leads. It’s not really their fault - we’ve been like this in the past - they kinda say in a cheery voice, ‘Oh don’t worry! Mine’s a really friendly dog!’ Yes but ours isn’t. And it can be hard for some people to understand, especially as they see Bonnie walking happily with Kit (and even with friends’ doggies she’s got to know) who all make Bonnie look super friendly. She’s also wonderful with other people, and children. But strange dogs still scare the shit out of her, and we’ve got that reactive behaviour under control, but only so much. So if a unknown dog, not on a lead, invades her space, or worse, jams it’s nose up her arse (even in a friendly manner) she’s going to react badly. Sometimes the other dog owner looks horrified that our hound has reacted so viciously and I want to scream ‘I told you so!’. I think the next step will be to get one of those yellow leads that says ‘nervous dog’ as it makes us take note when we see hounds with them. Anyway - it’s nothing personal when we take a wide-berth around you and your lovely hound(s) - it’s just the best way to keep BonBon calm and happy and able to continue her walk without having a total meltdown. Finally - if you don’t understand why I’m giving her treats when she’s being reactive, and you’ve decided I’m rewarding bad behaviour, that’s fine, but please hold tight to those judgements, keep them deep-deep-on-down in your stomach and don’t feel any obligation to spew them out into the world. Love ya! #rescuehound #adoptdontshop #reactivedog #positivereinforcement #whippetx #houndsofinstagram #fastdog
After waiting for what felt like an eternity, yest After waiting for what felt like an eternity, yesterday evening, along with torrential rain, arrived the softest wave in the sea, just enough to power a surfboard (or maybe not even that). We thundered out like children, arms splashing, legs kicking, to sit in a gently undulating, receding tide beneath a blue-grey meadow of cloud, board-tips pointing skyward like errant compass needles. At the farthest curve of the shore, a city skyscape etched itself charcoal grey against a soft rose pink sunset, and I wish you could have been there to witness a seal bobbing closely by, curious, unafraid, following some lads on paddle boards. I wanted to take a photograph of the two of us caught in this moment as the impact of each raindrop rippled and splashed its individual expression, a final dance before becoming the whole. Instead, I write words to remember that these are the moments I choose to weave into this world - this is my artistic life made manifest. #alifeofintention #lifeisart #artislife #surf #forgeyourownpath #slowlivingactivism #natureismychurch
Why I don’t love a pruned hedge: I’m aware th Why I don’t love a pruned hedge: I’m aware that some people get a bit upset about my original use of grammar and punctuation. This is absolutely okay. I’m not the writer for everybody and I fully embrace that. However, instead of presuming that my writing is inferior because I don’t follow the rules, I wonder if they might consider the fact that writing this way is an act of rebellion - a way for me to fully embody this wild and natural world that inspires and informs every word I write. Predictably, I wrote a poem about it (I’ve written a few, The Weed being another). Anyways! For those of you who choose to accept me and my work exactly as we are, and who perhaps see what I’m trying to achieve (and also for those of you who don’t if this makes you happy) I’ve finally figured out how to claim my author’s page on Goodreads. I’ve discovered Rebel Sun is already up there - which is wonderful. I’ve just added the two most recent poetry pamphlets (Hanes and The Slow-Time Traveller) as well as the new novel, The Madness of Sara Mansfield. If you’ve read any of these, and can spare a few moments, I’m asking if you could swing by Goodreads and drop a comment or two - link in bio. Self-publishing is the right route for me and so any support you might be able to offer by reviewing and sharing the work would be a huge help. Victorian Garden poem in full over on the OUTSIDER blog - link in bio - and also in the comments (originally in The Slow-Time Traveller pamphlet). As with all my work - this poem is Copyleft. All books are available from my online shop - link also in bio, I am loving LinkTree just now. #poetlife #feminist #feministpoetry #copyleft #poetry #anintentionallife #createyourlife
A friend sent me these pics yesterday - memories o A friend sent me these pics yesterday - memories of Switzerland last August. This hike was sublime! Up above Lac de Louvie, then a 2,500m descent in glorious sunshine. My heart felt so big, and at this point my body felt so strong. 25km in about 11hrs and oh! this middle aged soul feels younger every year I take a step into myself and away from self-sabotaging behaviours. #alifeofintention #middleyears #goneforawalk #natureismychurch #createyourlife
The first time I came across the word ‘autodidac The first time I came across the word ‘autodidact’ was in Sartre’s Nausea. I fell in love with this word because it explained how I prefer to exist in the world. What I remember of this novel (last read about fifteen years ago so forgive me), is that this was a way of creating meaning in an otherwise chaotic and absurd world and oh! That sang to my heart. Any way of existing taken to the extreme is likely to be utterly ridiculous but this concept of self-directed learning, of autodidacticism, is still a way of being that resonates in my bones. In this case I’ve been learning about my hair - what she needs, how to cut her, how to create a hairstyle that’s fully manageable, and that fits with my no-wash-only-apple-cider-vinegar-rinse ethos. Anyways! As a few people have asked/commented I thought I’d write a few words about how I went about it. The best advice I got was from a woman on YouTube who suggested cutting the bangs/hair over a series of days/weeks so that it settles before attempting the next step. This also fits beautifully with my slow living ethos and so here’s a series of photos taken over about a two-week period as I cut and trimmed and shaped this mop of hair: listening to her, how she curls and falls; where she lifts. It was a fully organic, intuitive, embodied process. Of course, there were a few hairy (ha) moments, but overall I feel happy that it’s shaped how I envisaged. Also yeah, other than river or sea water this hair has only been rinsed in apple-cider-vinegar solution this year, - finally the sun is naturally lightening the ends again. #anintentionallife #homehaircut #vandweller #middleyears #buylesslivemore #fulltimevanlife
Woken early by dreams, I watched the sun rise, wro Woken early by dreams, I watched the sun rise, wrote these words: Sunrise at Stonehenge I sit on this van-home step as the sun rises over the prehistoric Stonehenge monument last night I dreamed I became the stones (I walked right into them / my heart was called) I search for words (in the voice of three crows) and they are prophetic: How well do I know my heart? How can this knowing serve the whole? The polarisation of light & shadow is a rough knot of wood I struggle to smooth a path is illuminated bare feet grip cool earth the skylark sings I am whole. #poetlife #ecopoet #wakeyourheartup #alifeofintention
When we first moved into the van nearly four years When we first moved into the van nearly four years ago we wanted to get away from everyone and everything for a while, just to reset ourselves and maybe recalibrate our place in the world. As much as I needed those long months of solitude, I’ve emerged from that cave happier, and feeling more confident around people. I’m not sure this is something that’s evident from the outside because I was so good at masking, but now I’m building a good relationship with my body I’m aware of how clenched my stomach is when having even simple conversations - and I realise why I always ‘needed’ a drink in social situations. I’m in that strange liminal space at the moment where I’m feeling happier socially but also don’t have that alcohol crutch and so can’t seem to shift an excruciating awareness of silly things like eye contact so that I still find myself speaking to people’s shoulder or a point in the distance 😂 What’s changed? Maybe I’m just being kinder to myself, less judgy, more accepting, more comfortable in my own skin so that meeting up with an online friend for the first time becomes a quite joyful experience (my stomach is still clenched tho - any tips on how to work with that would be gratefully received!). Anyway - this inspiring woman-in-a-van is as lovely in real life as she is online. Such easy and interesting conversations - and I realise that I’m slowly finding my community again. I’m also looking forward to trying out Camille’s silent retreats when she opens them up in the future. 💗 @camilleslowingdown 💗 #vandweller #homeiswhereyouparkit #fulltimevanlife #slowlivingactivism #lifeisart #createyourlife #anintentionallife
A bit of a mission to find a swim spot today. Usua A bit of a mission to find a swim spot today. Usually we hunt on the map for bodies of water & can navigate our way into the deliciousness of a wild swim BUT Bristol Water PLC had other ideas. First-off we headed over to Chew Valley Lake, which on a map looks as perfect a swim spot as you would ever wish to encounter. A large part of the lake is a nature reserve & (rightly so) fenced off for the protection of wild birds, you also have to keep dogs on leads. I wholeheartedly & respectfully agree with these boundaries as they’re essential to supporting wildlife. However across the other side of the lake is, what looks like, a large yacht club and also plenty of places for fishermen. Great, thinks I - provisions are being made for people around this lake too. Only not for swimmers. No swimming. Unless there’s something we missed? See the signs & also a locked gate leading to the water. When we’re in France we always swing by Lac du Saint-Pardoux. It has a similar vibe to Chew Lake except there’s also an area for swimmers, sunbathers etc... so I can’t see it being that difficult to accommodate more people, it’s probably just more of a headache & so doesn’t get sorted. They could also easily charge a small fee for campers to stay overnight to raise more funds to support the wildlife instead of closing the car parks at sunset. It’s a real shame that a lot of these opportunities are missed, or considered too much trouble by the guardians of the land & water - which is why it’s great to see so many people reminding said guardians that their role is also to facilitate people’s engagement with these spaces, even if it is a bit more bother. Anyways - we found another spot about 30mins away that turned out to be ‘members only’. I kinda understand the ethos of a swim club wanting to cater to locals, but the wild swimmer in me felt a bit uneasy about claiming sections of riverbank for one sole group. They guy was absolutely lovely though & let us have a swim for a £6 donation to the club as there wasn’t anybody else around. Would love to know if people find access to outdoor swimming difficult? Especially when travelling. It’s such a tricky subject.
An utterly gorgeous canal path walk from Bradford- An utterly gorgeous canal path walk from Bradford-on-Afon to Bath, and then the train back, today. Saw so many herons, swans, ducks, and at the riverside, the lightening-flash-blue of a kingfisher - heaven. We’ve discussed a narrow-boat-home but the canals are not conducive to mountain biking, surfing or alpine hiking so we just enjoy vicariously living the canal life through the boat-windows we try not to peer through on these wanders (and I know it must drive the boat-dwellers mad to have all those nosey faces but honestly who can help themselves?). I do love how idiosyncratic the boats are though - just like vandwellers, each one is a unique reflection of its owners. Check out Stories for more photos. Also ‘today me’ is eternally grateful to the ‘me of three days ago’ who made enough dhal to sink a boat so it was waiting in the fridge to be reheated and eaten on just such a post-walk occasion as this. Served with rice, toasted pumpkin seeds, and loads of fresh coriander for me. Now I must nap. #vandweller #plantbased #walking #canalwalks #slowlivingactivism #buylesslivemore
A glorious sun-filled day in Bath (see stories for A glorious sun-filled day in Bath (see stories for more photos). I complain lots about clothes, or anything else, that doesn’t last or wear well, so this is a shoutout for my favourite dress, which is over five years old, from SeaSalt. Apart from fading from indigo to stonewashed in colour and some tears in the cotton pocket-lining I’ve had to stitch, this dress has stood some heavy-duty wear in at least five different countries. It can also live in my small clothes cupboard for months and still not look like it needs ironing (no we don’t have an iron). Socks are pretty new that I knitted this winter. Also invested in new boots earlier this year (Red Wing Iron Ranger) as I only have room for one pair of shoes/boots and my DMs finally split. I decided against pleather this time around as it feels like too much plastic, but of course I’m torn on how this fits with my plant-based ethics. I figure I just have to make the best decisions I can with my resources and knowledge at that time. I’m on the hunt for a really good pair of walking sandals though. My other pair finally died a death and fell apart. I was originally looking to replace them last year but managed to eek some more months out of them. I’m not averse to buying new clothes, I really enjoy finding a great piece of clothing whether second-hand or new, I just hate it when they fall apart after a year or two. I want at least five years’ continual wear out of anything I buy so am happy to pay for quality wherever I can. On another note - this park & Ride on Lansdown Road is our favourite park-up for Bath. You can stay free overnight, there’s loads of parking space, toilets (20p), and a tap, and the P&R buses run every 15mins into town - cost us just £6.50 return (for two people). If only all towns were as progressive and inviting to people passing through. #traveller #vandweller #homeiswhereyouparkit #buylesslivemore #slowlivingactivism
In The Madness of Sara Mansfield, these words are In The Madness of Sara Mansfield, these words are attributed to Medha, a character who is activist, mother and grandmother. Medha is a fierce, determined woman living in defiance of the expected order of things. This has been an overarching theme of her life, and that of her ancestors, and yet she struggles to pass this onto her daughter, Saraswati, without squashing her at times. All of the characters in this novel speak from the first person perspective so that when you are in their world you only experience life from the limits of their understanding. Do I envisage the role of the author as being able to step into the minds and lives of others, offering varying perspectives without judgment, simply encouraging the reader to reach their own conclusions as to what is really going on? Yes - I’d say I do. Ebook copies of this novel (both EPub and MOBI) are available from my webshop, as well as other hand-stitched pamphlets and some free downloads of earlier piece of work - link in bio. #author #novelist #bookstagram #selfpublishing #anauthenticlife #alifeofintention
I’ve been talking a lot about what makes a succe I’ve been talking a lot about what makes a successful life these past few years. I think this is because I came to realise we have very narrow parameters around what we consider success that often focusses on our earning or networking capacity. I had a very chaotic childhood. I’m not saying this to invite pity, but to offer a brief context. So success to me has been learning about stability, about how relationships work and how to form authentic connections with safe family and friends while putting firm boundaries in place with others; and then how to create a life that can encompass all of this as well as my unfathomable-but-insatiable need/compulsion to continue creating/writing, along with the deep heart-calling to spend as much time in nature as possible. Perhaps this is a lot to expect, but this is my one wild and precious life so I intend to continue asking it of myself. This past week has felt hugely successful even if these days might not look like much to an outsider. We spent quality time with our grandkids and have formed a real soul-bond with them. Now, back on the road, I’ve got the first two-thirds of the audiobook recorded (can’t wait to share it with you), and I’m able to take this rolling home with me wherever I go which means time with good friends while parked on private land in a glorious corner of this bright earth. This weekend we ride our bikes. I’m so grateful for this life, and I’m not without some luck I know that, but nearly two decades ago I stopped letting life happen to me and instead chose to consciously create my days. There have been endless undulations but wow, what a wild ride it is. Anyway - another small achievement that delights me beyond measure is lighting a fire with just fire-strike and flint 🔥🔥🔥 #poetlife #homeiswhereyouparkit #anintentionallife #lifeisart #selfhealers #storyteller
Home for the next couple of days 🌿 #traveller Home for the next couple of days 🌿 #traveller #homeiswhereyouparkit #poetlife #vandweller #theroadismyhome #alifeofintention
A friend said to me recently, ‘You don’t have A friend said to me recently, ‘You don’t have to grieve standing still’ and oh my I felt that deep in my bones. I’ve been focusing on building an internal success paradigm that doesn’t rely on external validation. It’s one where I give myself credit for overcoming smaller fears, where I celebrate every time I genuinely strengthen a connection instead of shutting it down, when I step into my power instead of giving it away. None of these things are particularly apparent to anybody else, and they won’t win me any awards, but this approach is changing me slowly from the inside-out so that each day I feel more resilient, more sure of my creative path, more able to lean into this unconventional life with the knowledge that I’m exactly where I need to be. The last time I did this tricky bit of trail was on my full-suss Orange back in summer 2012 (swipe across). It took a lot of staring at before attempting, see the guys also checking it out behind me 😂 it also looked a bit different back then but still, it felt good to get down it recently on the hard tail (which I am loving btw). #poetlife #mtb #traveller #hardtail #sondertransmitter #homeiswhereyouparkit #lovemybike #validateyourself #lifeoutdoors #mountainbiker #womenwhoride
Going to sow wildflower seeds today 🌱 Text rea Going to sow wildflower seeds today 🌱 Text reads: Buried I bury my heart in the earth stitch her into darkening soil she will be safe here with the creatures who procreate in underground time who neither postulate nor politick but who gnaw through each day with the wisdom of a god. As skin hardens flowers take root in my soul each one a poem translated from sunlight I would remain here for an eternity conversing with worm & beetle & humus knowing I have found my place in the natural order of things. #poetry #family #cycleoflife
We didn’t want to wear black for dad’s service We didn’t want to wear black for dad’s service today - it felt too somber, too sad when a celebration of his life is what we had planned. We had a non-religious gathering and a wonderful celebrant who took great care to share dad’s life and triumphs. We played songs by Fleetwood Mac and the Welsh Male Voice Choir, as well as Imagine by John Lennon. My sister Faye spoke with a big heart about dad’s ability to be ‘the rising tide that lifts all boats’ and help so many people around him. I read my poem about a day chopping logs together, and Mary Oliver’s Wild Geese was also read as it reminds us of dad’s deep love for nature and the environment. Now dad’s returned to the earth who called him back to his ‘place in the family of things’, and we return to our slow life on the road. Goodbye dad, thank you for all the wonderful memories, and the gentleness you always taught me to hold in my heart, I’ll carry it with me always. #family #celebrationoflife #travellers
The cycle of family continues - people pass on and The cycle of family continues - people pass on and we miss them, mourn them, celebrate every beautiful thing they taught us. Then we turn around and the next generation are shining bright beside us. On Friday we will celebrate my father’s life as the family gathers to say goodbye, and today was the first time we hugged our new granddaughter, Hilda since she was born five months ago. Taking grandson Arthur for a spin on the bike we bought him last year suddenly has so much more meaning - all the tiny moments collect like seashells or are shored up in the memory like grains of sand. I don’t want to forget one single detail - even as I accept the impossibility of this dream. I suppose that’s reason enough to just keep on creating as many beautiful moments as possible - I’m aiming for a shining great mountain of memories. Photos by @andyrgarside and @a.country.mum 💙🐾💙 (Also yes I did chop all my hair off this week - needed a change - see last photo.) #lifeisbeautiful #lifeisshort #lifecycle #slowlivingactivism #makingmemories #family #grandchildren #whatmakeslifeworthliving #middleyears #grandparents #liveyourbestlife
My father passed away earlier this week. He was a My father passed away earlier this week. He was a truly wonderful man - taught me to ride a bike, swim, and always do my best for others. He was a brilliant gymnast and high-board diver. By the age of ten I could dive off the 10meter board in the local pool (couldn’t do it now tho). He once dived into a river and saved a woman from drowning whose car veered in and landed upside down. As a teacher, he worked with the most challenging kids in school, doing his best to get them back on track. Years later I met so many teaching assistants who loved him and said he changed their lives. He was a true old-fashioned hero in every sense of the word, who’d gladly give up everything he had to help others. Right to the very end he held a deep socialist belief that we could change the world if only everyone would work together. His favourite song was Imagine by John Lennon. Even though he lived such a healthy life, 25yrs ago he underwent massive open heart surgery, and then 23yrs ago was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. Still, he kept himself so active and well. Conversely, these illnesses gave him the focus to pull forward his retirement dream of moving to France and he lived fifteen blissful years there with his amazing wife, Sue, before they returned to Cymru. Nobody thought he’d make it this far, but he had such a gift for creating beauty out of the most impossible situations. Witnessing him do this was absolutely an inspiration to us when planning to move into the van. You can’t wait for tomorrow to live the life you want because you don’t know what tomorrow holds. Work towards your dreams right now. I feel so deeply honoured to have this man for my father - he was such a generous, kind soul, and a staunch environmentalist. In the evenings, he would sit on the bench outside his French farmhouse watching the bats and fireflies for hours ❤️🌿💚🌳 Love you Noel McKeand, the best dad, granddad, and great-granddad. 💔 Old photo is of me and dad, the others are of him with his granddaughter Rhi who he loved so much; taught her to ride a bike too - he owned a bike shop for a while. #family #inmemory #father #familylove #grandfatherandgranddaughter #livebravely
Returning to north east Wales, we view this landsc Returning to north east Wales, we view this landscape with the bright new eyes of travellers. No longer walking the same old pathways, we explore the smaller tracks and unknown routes with the naive hearts of newborns. It’s as if we haven’t seen this land before, or perhaps we just have a new lens through which to experience her. Since being gifted these words on Crete two years ago, I write, over and over: ‘Sacred ground is not a place, it’s a state of mind.’ These lands do not belong to us, we belong to the earth. Inherited borders are not a natural occurrence, having said that neither is capitalism, and so in order to demolish all borders fairly, we also need to demolish capitalism. Not sure how much of that our democratic system is able to achieve as it’s configured to uphold the status-quo not smash it, but still, it’s the only system we’ve got right now, so I voted for Cymru in the hope that something vibrant and new might be offered the chance to grow in these beautiful lands. #vote #cymru #voteforchange #borderless #smashcapitalism #buylesslivemore #homeiswhereyouparkit #rewildyourlife
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