What does showing up for myself look like? Honestly it’s different every time, and I’ve had to learn that just because I figured it out in one situation that doesn’t mean I’ve got it sorted. Maybe I’ve got good at setting boundaries: saying NO is no longer something I find difficult, but the work doesn’t end there does it? As soon as one thing’s sorted it’s time to level up. And so I find myself in the situation of wondering why I don’t say what the things I really want in life are. Going to deep inner places to do the work these past few years reveals that some of it is do with the fact that, in the past, I’ve not been honest with myself about what I truly want in life. And of course the root of this is always to do with lack of self-worth, fear of rejection, and if I’m honest, fear of revealing my true Self: my dreams and capabilities… my limits. Then others may have a different idea about who I am or ‘should’ be and it can be a long slog upstream against that.
There’s two guarantees: if I’m not clear about what I want I’ll never get it and I’ll likely begin to stagnate like an old pond without enough rainfall; and if I do begin to tentatively speak up then it’s likely I’ll get some rejections, but perhaps I’ll also get some positive confirmations that will support this life’s energy to flow. As I bend and grow, finding the confidence to say no to what doesn’t feel right, but still throwing tendrils out in the direction that calls to my heart, this existence begins to take shape, softly and organically: a question asked with positive intent, an acceptance that the answers are not always the ones I’m looking for, but from the deadwood that potential rejection creates I will build fires to light up the dark nights. I am learning that it’s OK to shape and share my dreams; to ask for what I need in order to keep the green shoots growing. I am not a static being, and so it’s my responsibility to create the positive movement that keeps this life’s waters cycling.
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