food Mental Health minimalism nature vanlife

The Wasteland

July 21, 2018

Today’s #dailyconnectionwith nature is about hate. I think about this a lot because it is the opposite of love and therefore the two are so closely interwoven. I am trying to practice self-love more often and along with this comes a deeper awareness of who I am and why I do certain things. I’m working towards a more plant-based, gluten free life (not diet – defo no diets!) as I feel better physically, mentally and ethically when I do. Different foods change my moods, some give me an initial high but then I get stomach ache, others drain all my energy and I literally can’t stay awake even in the middle of the day, so instead I’m working on #intuitiveeating. Simple? No chance. My internal monologue has other ideas, so what I’m noticing more about self-love is that it brings to surface those voices in the head that would rather remain hidden, because as soon as we are aware of those negative voices we can begin to do something about them. This morning I woke in a fug, and at the shop bought white bread and butter and a huge family size bag of cheesy puffs. I ate the lot. Usually this is done on ‘autopilot’ so I don’t even know why I’ve done it, I just feel awful afterwards. Today I could clearly hear the words ‘I don’t care. I hate myself.’ And it was a shock to hear me think that. I still ate it all of course because real, authentic change takes time, but that awareness, I feel, is another step towards changing behaviour patterns. I remember how I used to laugh at the ‘my body is a temple’ crew, but I’m increasingly feeling like there’s something in it. Equally, I’m realising how much I’ve used alcohol in the past to cope with social situations or to quickly decompress from a stressful day of work instead of addressing the underlying issues of why I feel so awkward in social situations or that I’m clearly taking on too much work if I can’t get through the evening without a drink. And I realise I don’t need to self-medicate, I need different social structures.

Then, as we drove along someone in the car in front opened their window and threw litter into the air. In this beautiful place (see today’s InstaStory). I wanted to scream at them. I was so so angry. But I realise this is also a form of self hatred. Unconscious behaviours that are completely counterintuitive but that we do because we don’t know how to love ourselves, or the earth anymore. And these are the days when I’m filled with hope because the answer to real change is so simple that everyone can do it. The revolution starts one person at a time changing their own small world. But I’m also filled with despair because there are so many of us filled with self-hatred; still choking on our internal (and external) garbage and not giving a fuck. Photo taken at today’s parkup. It’s literally desolate, but someone has left plastic cups by their old fire 😖.

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