Mental Health nature poetry travel vanlife

asking the right questions of myself

August 22, 2019

The question I’ve been cultivating more these past few years is: why am I doing this? The second part to cultivating a question like this is to be brutally honest when answering – self deceit is a sad state of affairs that serves no one.

Q: why have I said yes to this work? 
A: because it was asked of me. 
A: because I want to make a difference.
A: because I don’t know how to say no.
A: because I don’t want to look selfish by saying no.
A: because being asked makes me feel needed.
A: because I‘ve never stopped to ask myself what it is I really want and saying yes allows me to not have to think about that continual self-betrayal. A: because saying yes has opened so many amazing doors that I could never have found for myself. 
A: because saying yes brings new inspiration into my life. 

Q: Why am I eating all of this food to the point that my stomach hurts and I feel physically sick?
A: because I hate myself. 

Brutal honesty can throw up some brutal answers. But they’re the best starting point. Working with this simplest of questions for a few years now has also helped me to hear how the internal dialogue is changing:

Q: why am I doing yoga every day, even if just for 10mins at 9pm?
A: because I love myself.

Q: why am I living in a van?
A: because I believe we need to radically change the way we live in the world and that land ownership is a major factor in the mess we’re in. 
A: because I love the earth.
A: because I love Andy & our hounds & our amazing travelling life together.
A: because I’m so creatively inspired by the natural landscapes we encounter. 

Q: why am I writing at 5am?
A: because I believe in myself. 

Q: why am I still working on this novel even though it’s so goddamn difficult and people only seem interested in the travel writing or poetry?
A: because I have things to say that I cannot weave into poetry or essay format and I believe in this evolving vision, in these words, and cannot rest until the final draft is done. 
There it is. 
It feels right.
I am sticking with things that pass the ‘why’ test. Even if the world isn’t interested, my heart has spoken ❤️. 📷 @andyrgarside 💕🐾

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